Confession: I have never felt like I fit in... anywhere! Life for me is lived out a lot like a television show. I try to play the right part that will let me fit in to the group I'm with, but it's never real, and it never really works. I feel like the world if full of certain girls who make minimal effort and everyone wants to be their best friend, and then there is me who tries so hard to be liked and constantly meets with disappointment.
Today's "show" was a baby shower for my little sister. I worked hard to get my assignments done to the best of my ability. The party looked great, and a lot of people showed up. My sister is tiny and cute at 8 months pregnant, and all of her friends are carbon copies of her. Instead of mingling, I found a seat in a corner, and here is what I thought about:
"I weigh to much. I don't have the right clothes. My hair looks bad. My house is a rental. I have a lot of debt. I don't have many friends. I'm not neat enough, cool enough, or pretty enough."
This party was full of family.. people I have known my entire life. Yet, I am a complete outsider because I just can't feel comfortable. I have "that" aunt... you know, the one who is always perfect and only likes to surround herself with others who are just as perfect. We haven't spoken in years. I have "those" cousins... the ones who are thin, fashionable, and have the money to do whatever they like. The crazy thing is that I actually really like my cousins (the aunt I could live without), and I so desperately want them to like me. The REALLY crazy thing is that they already probably do. This leads me to the point of this blog.
I realized today that the reason I will never fit in with anyone else, is because I don't fit in with myself. My goals and expectations for myself far exceed the reality that I've created.
My Mom was never one to coddle, and I can already hear her in my head telling me to get over it. Sound advice, but not something I have ever been able to practice. Instead, I am going to focus on mastering parts of my reality that don't fit in with who I know I am inside. I invite you to follow my journey of conquering my "inferiority's" and monitoring their affect on my mission to FIT IN! Hopefully goals will be achieved, inhibitions will be loosened, and life will LIVED!
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